Incredible recent developments in the ho-hum life of an annoyed graduate student have departed unnoticed. Unhappy about the way things are in India, Mr Rajuwadh, a doctorate student working on “different ways of filling hollow cylinders”, has decided after a rigorous selection procedure, to offer his dear friend Mr. Agarwal’s balls to the Indian politicians.
Abruptly, I caught him arguing with me on a Saturday evening which till then was surprisingly pleasant. Foxed, I present some excerpts:
Raj: I really wanted to be a part of making the situation better in zippier a fashion than just attending an evening event organized through facebook. Its about time we stop being mere oxygen thieves.
Me: A vigil, you mean.
Raj: Well, that too. I meant the “Political Trance & Crack” party at Malajulla’s. The guy has colossal balls albeit he was brought up in Hyderabad. It was organized to encourage political thinking he said, I don’t know how, I went there because he’s also into Spice Girls. A vigil’s worse, it involves opinionated gibberish.
Me: What?! Well, why not your balls? Why Agarwal’s?
Raj: I don’t own them anymore. Last day of high school, wanting to catch an auto, and having lost my money in a WWE card-game, I auctioned my balls away. An opulent girl with a nice grip paid a mighty amount. [Grins triumphantly]. Above all, evidently and empherically, Mr Agarwal puts his balls to no significant use, and of course his test scores were outstanding. We expect Mr Agarwal to do well in his life, and we believe he is capable of achieving and conveying consummate intimacy through the short message service (sms).
Me: Does he know about it at all?
Raj: We are planning to ceremoniously hypnotize him back into his puberty and convince him that he has no balls. Then, we let artificially intelligent swarms of nanoparticles do the rest. That’s the plan. Errr…Well, he doesn’t know. He need not.
Me: Is this legal then?
Raj: [With unshakeable confidence and indubitable levelheadedness]. We don’t care.
Raj: Let me add that a graduate student cannot afford a house in California riverside nor can he afford a first-hand Audi. A successful side-business helps, especially if it involves a guy’s nuts.
Me: Business? What are the tests you mentioned?
Raj: The rigorous test is our business strategy. Nobody other than Chuck Norris reveals business strategies. Everyone does business with Chuck Norris. We call our company “Testicles Inc.” and the tag line simply is “hehe”!
Me: Why! Why?
Raj: Looks like our Indian politicians might use some sexually deprived graduate balls. They won’t complain. Look at AVX Shenoy, the superhero from Bangalore who is a bank manager by day, farmer by night, and crime fighter on Wednesdays. I simply join him in his great venture to donate balls to Indian Politicians.
Me: Do you have anything else to say?
Raj: Yes. I miss Spice Girls.
I met with Mr. Malajulla to gain some insight. When enquired about the offering he expressed his discomfort in the choice of balls but admitted that the Indian Politicians could certainly benefit from the idea. He also repeatedly expressed his admiration for Ms Omanakuttan who recently almost won the Miss World competition. He was quick in welcoming me to a vigil he had organized to mark the loss of the title.